Saturday, April 13, 2013


to those of you I have sent to this page, know that I love you and that because im not talking to you its not because i dont care, its more im ashamed and i think it would be a conflict of interest, since you guys still talk to mom. I do still check your facebooks quite a bit, miss you all so much and stilll care despite how it looks. im not trying to make mom alienated or anything by doing this, i just wanted to let you all know im not the immature, horrible person i am painted as. the only thing i will say about mom in this post is that she is fake and puts on a show for everyone so they dont see how awful she is. and i know that sounds like the typical angry teen who hates their parents, but please. just hear me out, dont need a reply. just need you to know that i do have a heart and that i'm not the girl they are depicting me as. and i know they keep pointing fingers at matt, but it was my decision to stop seeing mom, and he supported me and has been my rock. im truly sorry for the pain i have caused you and ask if you wouldnt show this blog to mom and jim? dont want the situation to blow up, as i previously stated i just want you to know how it really is for me. love you guys despite the seperation.    and as for the most recent blow with cam it still hurts and will for a while, but i will always care. just need her to grow up and i just need to take a step back before more things are said that make that line more uncrossable. just read the following blogposts underneath. wasnt meant to be seen by people i know and doesnt capture my feelings exactly, but does alright. had already gotten most of my anger out and by this point was just super duper blue.

again, love you.

and sorry all lowercase, my little guy is sleeping on my other arm

Friday, April 12, 2013


phone dumb. not sure how to do this on here yet. first time. well sent message pretending to b her though its one am. no way she would be up. i hate this but im not giving in     love u little sis and i am so so so incredibly sorry


well its bedtime and on phone so short post. sorry took me a while. my pride was kind of in shambles after my previous posts. im tired and so blue. im still not talking to family. but tonight they tried to be sly but ended up just tearing me up all over again. mom sent me a message from my little sisters fb i made for her and love her so dearly. shes the biggest thing that tearrs me up about this situation, the thing that hurt more than anything else in walking away (not to say tons of other things hurt too....). they sent a message pretending to be her though its 

Monday, March 18, 2013

oh and more!

to those of you question why i wouldnt report my mom and get my 2 younger sisters out. well, I couldn't bear to have my youngest sis, and even middle one a tiny bit. couldnt bear to see them lose their parents. and be seperated forever. my youngest sister is so fragile and I couldnt bear hurting her like that. I was briefly taken away from mom by cps before in 4th grade and well. dont want makenna going through that. Yeah, had a better life briefly with them but still. she deserves so much more, even if it's a broken home. It's still home and full of people she loves. and she's my stepdads only daughter. dont want to hurt him that way.
Currently feeling like bella in new moon? she hurts so much over losing edward she holds herself to keep from falling apart. thats how have felt for past 2, 3 hours. i hurt so bad.....Trying to be the best mom i can be, and just throwing the attention on. even after all my efforts still feel so down. like he deserves so much better than stupid old me. though i dont do anything awful, am always nice and courteous. smile to everyone. and am a good person.

Newest happenings

Normally I detest making a public display of my life for the world to see but I need to talk to someone and who better than people I don't know? (Don't forget to check out my two other blogs)...

I have my bf here who is my rock and I can talk to him but I just need someone else, I have like 4 other bff's to talk to but well. My pride is too great and I just can't. sure, troubles of the heart back in high school fine. don't want to be judged or pitied especially by people i know.

Well, anyways off topic. I have estranged myself from my mothers family, and my mother. As of a few days ago one of my older sisters too. Who is 3 years older than me but well. She's super duper immature and just ignorant? She doesnt get anything and believes she is always right and well. The things in her head are never quite right........  But well. I miss her. But I want her to grovel and come to the realization that these are how things will be. and to make first move. It's hardly ever like this. Have wanted to call her to talk about songs, and latest happenings on glee and Vampire Diaries, she's my person for that stuff.

Our spat started over a simple request from me to take down pic she reposted of my son so my mom can't see it and make it her profile pic because it just drives me INSANE with rage and well. a mix of stuff.... and she refused for a while even though i put it in the gentlest way possible. she eventually gave in but gave me attitude and we traded that back and forth a few rounds and well. defriended her after her status about how i asked her to take the pic down and all that. (she sucks at using facebook, gives everyone a play by play which no one cares about. and of course always writes a status about what i am doing wrong and trying to turn me into the villain).

She has done it yet again, and my family is just saying 'oh one day she'll grow up and come back and yadadada' but i am grown up. i am right in my decision to do what is right for my new family: son, me, and my bf.

I am in the right! I am done with being her pawn, and her slave. and tons of other stuff. Laziest person ever, and a creep (something havent told anyone else, not even my bf who is like my bff. She used to make us show her our boobs and well, she wanted to see if we shaved down there or not.... and what size we were. and touching inappropriately with her stupid laugh, not in these moments, just around the house randomly). I am protecting him. I have sworn off mom forever. My family on her side has kind of shut me out. stopped talking to me, occasionally will resend friend requests. only one aunt talking to me. it hurts a ton, but i did turn my back on them, how can i expect them to return my messages and act as though nothign happened and be happy when i crushed everything?

Back at home, we had a pretty rough go of it with that atrocious woman: she lied to us saying our dad physically and mentally abused us and made us paranoid he was always coming after us. never allowed to hang out with friends, always stayed in. blinds drawn, windows shut, sometimes no lights if she thought he was making a trip to see us. staying absolutely quiet. when snuck around to hang out with friends would get yelled at and grounded, and well, we were always grounded for stupidest reasons just to stop us from going anywhere.

Mom is laziest person ever. we were her slaves: wash my clothes, fold them and put them away. make my bed. make me food, get me cereal. get me chocolate milk (can go through a gallon in a day or two). Write emails for me, play my facebook games so i don't fall behind. brush my hair. braid it. go through it a gazillion times with fingers and get them all greasy. give me massages. babysit, watch the kids and make sure they dont get in trouble while i either sleep, play computer, or get on phone. Even though my youngest daughter is begging for me attention keep her away from me. oh and clean the house from top to bottom spic and span. oh and forget doing what my new husband told you to do, instead do what he wanted me to so I dont get in trouble with him.  ALL of that is what she did, and even that isnt everything.

She has tons of friends but is so two-faced and manipulative and fake. and no one see's it except me and sometimes my sisters do. everyone is always taking pity on her and making us look like horrible people and that we have no right when she is the awful one! And well. we hardly ever got new clothes, and even those came from goodwill. was always about her. and what she wanted. her greed will be her downfall. She used child support to support her lifestyle, not us.

So am I really in the wrong about keeping mom out of my life? but well. I am prepared to live with the consequences. considering i did this.

I have my older sis before I am just moving on. that she is blind and should get out too. That that part of my life is over and i am never going back. that i am protecting my son and doing what is best for us. And well lots of other stuff but everyone is making me be the evil one? the one who is lost and immature, and selfish. I'm not! how can you make the ignorant see what they refuse to acknowledge? I have tried so hard!!! but it just doesnt stop. they keep hounding me. and then bashing me on fb where they think i cant see but then go right around to trying to friend me and be all sweet and trying to get me to "come around". had to turn phone off for a few months because got like 20 phone calls and texts and voicemails from them A DAY.

Why can't they just accept it and move on? The more it drags out and they refuse to see it it just makes me ache that much more. and well. cry. have burst out a few times while typing this actually. It kills me to be in this position and to have them reminding me constantly. I am always nice to everyone and hate to cause pain since well. forever. and dont feel bad about cutting my mom out or any of that but it just kills me when i think of my sisters and being cast as the bad one and getting trash talked about and like im the ignorant one, the stupid one.

I don't know how to explain anymore. I am trying to paint as clear a picture as possible so you can get in my shoes with no misperceptions. But somehow even after all that i still think i am failing quite a bit.

How to close. hm....

thanks for reading, adios.

will keep posting more. idk when. but well. stay posted,

Night normal people